from scratch--a rant

This one is a rambler, just warning.

Palacio de Cristal, Parque del Buen Retiro, Madrid

It's been a killer week.  I'm not writing to complain- I'm just pasting in some thoughts.  I have an overt tendency to overanalyze and dissect the crap out of everything and it's not helping now that I'm being thrown into unfamiliar situations.  I have conferences in Europe next month- I'm not presenting, but I'm meeting the researchers who I've been reading.  I've had introductions and have had to email two other contacts and my schedule is filling up with advisor meetings on portfolios and proposal drafts.  I'm terrified of not being able to do it, of saying the wrong thing and just messing it all up.  I'm so afraid that I will have spent four years getting to this point and then wind up ABD or worse yet, not getting my study approved or passing my oral.  I know why people go nuts when they get a doctorate--whether they pass or fail, the stress sort of eats you alive.

window over the grave of El Cid Campeador, Burgos, Spain

Seems and I took a good tack when we were finishing up our big exam this summer- we decided that the worst that could happen was we'd fail and we'd have to redo some of it.  The world wouldn't implode, we'd still be breathing, our families would still love us... I see this, but at the same time, it's so much work and I really really want to be done.  I know I repeated my father a few weeks ago saying, "no matter where you are, there you are", but the benefits of being here don't come without pitfalls and snow is right around the corner.  To paraphrase the Beatles, tomorrow may rain, I'll follow the sun.

view of campo, Medinaceli, Spain

I'm looking for greener pastures.  I feel like I need a reboot, to start from scratch, to find or develop some novelty in my life.  I feel stuck in a place and it's a place that I really don't like.  I need to learn from it, let it go and move on.  It, as well as this whole cake project make me think of when I was a little butterball, going home for the first day of summer vacation.  I had all of these illusions that I was going to swim and play all summer and magically come back to school thin and popular.  In reality, I watched tv, fought with my siblings and rarely saw the light of day.  I imagined a fresh start in autumn.  I was fixated on an imagined end point, but I'd never  followed along the path to get me there.

Tio Pepe sign, Puerta del Sol, Madrid

I've had the kids looking up the origins of idiomatic expressions this week-ie, "Pardon my French," and started thinking about the phrases "Start from Scratch" or "Made from Scratch" and wondered where they came from.  "Start from scratch" was initially used in sports- a line would be drawn in the ground and everyone would start from that mark- no handicap.  "Made from Scratch" is a derivate of this phrase- it means to make something without the benefit of help (ie cake mix).

View of Port, Val Paraiso, Chile

So, maybe that's what I need to focus on.  Removing the crutches: the complaining, fried foods, sugar and delving headlong into anything that isn't school work when I feel overwhelmed.  This reflective behavior has me recounting Gross Point Blank.  It's one of my favorite movies, filled with killer 80s music and in it Minnie Driver plays John Cusack's jilted and cynical ex-girlfriend who has two amazing lines amid a series of quips:

Driver: Everybody's coming back to take stock of their lives.  You know what I say?  Leave your livestock alone.

This runs counter to all of the Deweyan teaching gurus I've had to read over the years.  They have emphasized the need to be reflective- to see what works and what doesn't in the classroom and in life.  To really be present to things- what they are, what they do and how they are part of the experience we create.  At the same time, Pema Chodron has written on being present and open to the things that scare and irritate us.  Not letting the horrible things cripple us, but gently providing them refuge and being patient with ourselves as we learn from them.  She says that it's these things that scare us and make us feel horrible that we have to learn from--or they won't go away.  Judging from how irritated and angry I am, I must have a lot to learn.

The other quote that I've been thinking about is:

Cusack: I'm sorry I #*%$ up your life

Driver: It's not over yet

Bridge over the Tiber, Rome

 Nothing has worked on my time table.  Nothing is exactly the way I imagined it.  I just need to stop whining, get over it and do what I need to to get things done.

On a happier note: I love the 80s- John Cusack films are pretty much the best thing ever.  I'm thinking about an 80s party for my 30th.  I even have the perfect outfit picked out from Cusack's 80s break up classic Better Off Dead.  There's plenty of time to muse still, but luckily, Eme Ficus already has the shades for it.

Her future's so bright, she needs to wear sunglasses.

Week 9, October 17, 2010: Pumpkin Spice Cake

Welcome to a momentous edition of Cake 30- Featuring some special guests.

Hi guys, like the gloves? 

I was fortunate to get to meet the incredible, amazing Miss Emers Ficus Angeline in person last week.  I've never been a baby person: they seem to eat, poop, cry and sleep.  Not a bad gig for them, but not so entertaining for those around.  I sold them a bit short.  At two weeks, she's looking around and seeing things.  She's trying to make sense of the world around her and she gets angry when you don't walk her around or talk/sing to her.  She's forming her own personality- she likes the Beatles (and may be the only person on earth who likes my brother's singing), she's a clean diaper connoisseur and quite the wiggle worm.  To agree with my brother, Em, "you are way better than legos."

Hey, you're sleeping on the job!  You're supposed to be helping Aunt Marty bake!

In addition to guest stars, I had a guest kitchen to work in- replete with convection oven, garbage disposal, easy reach everything, full pantry, sweet granite countertops and a kitchen-aid mixer.  I'm hoping my kitchen doesn't see this and get jealous.

The main part of the kitchen.

Pumpkin Cake with Maple Cream Cheese Frosting.  Recipe from joyofbaking.com

I was set to make pumpkin cheesecake this weekend, but ran into two issues: 1, my host kitchen had no spring form pans because 2, my sister-in-law isn't a big cheesecake fan.  She does however like pumpkin desserts, and since I'm forever indebted to her for getting me off the hook for grandkids, I switched this week's cake.

Hand mixer, don't look!

 The recipe was basic: whisk dry together, mix butter and sugar, add eggs and vanilla and then add buttermilk, pumpkin and dry to the wet in three additions.  The recipe called for 2 8" rounds, but we had 2 8" squares, so I made do.  The mixture smells great and looks like pumpkin pie, but looked small in the pan.

It came out looking very flat as well.  I figured it was the pans, but when I did my cakes for work and the rest of the family, the same happened.  It didn't effect the density of the cake.  It wasn't heavy.  It was moist and tasty.  For my brother, sister-in-law and her parents, I did the traditional all white flour.  I swapped half of the white for whole wheat when I did the work and family cakes and it wiped out the flavor entirely- not cool.  I had someone at work ask me if it was apple sauce cake.  I need to figure out how to modify the spices when I change out the type of flour.

Em, you're just as helpful as mommy in the kitchen-
excellent with the moral support and helping with the clean up!

The frosting was the real star of the show: maple syrup, butter, confectioner's sugar and cream cheese.  It was heaven on a spoon.  The home batches didn't mix as well (they had a few cream cheese lumps) as the first at my bro's, but it was so divine that it's probably illegal in a few states.

We had it for dessert after some of my sister-in-law's mom's excellent cooking.  It just so happened to be Miss Em's 2 week birthday, so her daddy used a birthday cake plate and her grandpa O (Cup) called to wish her a Happy Birthday.

It was a great cake, but I think that everything had the propensity to be incredible this weekend, even the multiple diaper changes at 3 am made me laugh hysterically.

Check you guys later!

Nice face, baby-love!  I miss you--keep being amazing!  Listen to your mommy's great stories and your daddy's songs y sabes que yo bailare y cantare contigo cuando nos vemos.  Te amo, amorcilla.  Besos (Kisses)!

Week 8, October 10, 2010: Apple Cake

It's time for more celebration!
Good news and better news this week!

1: I passed my exam.  The papers will need some tweaking before they're portfolio worthy, but a pass is a pass.

2: Little Miss Eme Baby-Lou Ficus Angeline Tater-tot came home on Monday and is absolutely gorgeous and moving around like crazy.  This aunt was fortunate enough to partake in two skype sessions with the little Peanut Em & Em and her parents.  Her father's dancing and singing skills are improving daily from the sounds of things (still, poor Mis!)... he just needs to work towards her grandpa's excellent story telling and root beer float making abilities.

3: Today's post marks 1/4 of our journey as completed.  8 down, 24 to go.

This week's cake: Apple Cake with apricot glaze. Recipe from joyofbaking.com

I had to make three and a half cakes this week: Nan always gets to try one.  I have dinner at Gram's tomorrow night (I love how everyone tries to feed me!) and the third and a half is for my guinea pigs in the faculty room.

My first observation was that this cake used a ton of apples.  I peeled eight and then "coarsely chopped them".  For the first two cakes I left them in big chunks, which made the batter nearly impossible to stir.  For the third and a half, I cut them smaller, we'll see how it affect the texture.

The second observation was that there didn't seem to be enough dough to fit all of the apple, nuts or raisins.  That didn't make a difference in the final cake.  It was moist and the "extras" were delicious.  There was still enough cake in the cake.  The baking time listed on the site was about 10 to 15 minutes shorter than what I used.  This guy was hesitant to leave the oven.

it looks so gross going into the oven...

Overall, tasty, but a lot of work- the peeling, the chopping, the beating the crap out of the nuts... it was exhausting.  Maybe I should relax with a cup of tea and some more cake :)

And since we're being Happy Go Lucky: I'm happy that I don't have to peel any more apples and I'm lucky that next week is PUMPKIN CHEESECAKE! (and I may have another kitchen to make a mess of --wha hahahaha).

Be well.

Week 7, October 3, 2010: Apple Streusel Cake

Wow, a lot has been cooking over here.

I have an introduction to make before we get on to our normal business.  

Meet Emelia Angeline, my first niece!

She joined the family at 3:30 yesterday afternoon, weighing in at 7 pounds 6 ounces.  I know that everyone says this about all babies, but she may be the cutest thing I've ever seen.  My sister-in-law is now my hero-- she's about the size of a toothpick and popped out this little lady with no drugs.   All the family is happy and healthy and my parents are just about beside themselves, between the new baby and the trips to the beach--I really must move down south again.

Now onto the cake.

Apple Streusel Cake, recipe from joyofbaking.com

So I've been throwing out the F-word a lot lately.  It's not what you think.  The kitchen has been pretty calm since the pot holder mishap.  Bub and Cup left us a ton of food before they left to see my bro and sis in law and meet little Miss Ficus Angeline Tater-tot (since the new parents spent months refusing to tell us what her name is, she will be Ficus until my sister-in-law orders me otherwise).

The F-word in question is favorite.  So far, I've gathered that you understand my love for chocolate, cheese, spice-cake, cream cheese frosting and pineapple.  The fact of the matter is that I really love good food.  I was fortunate as a little kid to have grandparents who farmed, so I knew the joy of popping cherry tomatoes in your mouth on a sunny summer afternoon (and the defeat of them squirting out and ruining your favorite shirt).  Strawberry shortcake wasn't a treat, it was a staple.  I've come to realize that I'm more influenced by the seasons than I'd ever like to admit and in each one, there is something that sings to me.  In the fall, it's baking squash and pumpkin, melting chocolate, caramel and Granny Smith apples.  My mother is partial to Golden Delicious, but for me, nothing is better than the crisp, tart first bite into a Granny Smith.

We had a lot of celebrating to do this week: a new baby, 3 years cancer free for my aunt, my big exam coming up on wednesday.  I figured with the celebrations, the changing leaves and changing weather, that an October full of apples and pumpkins would be the perfect offering to the people who make my everyday so very interesting.




This recipe was simple.  Mix dry topping ingredients, cut in butter and add sugar.  Combination method for the wets and drys.  How little batter it yielded scared me.  I used the required pan size, but the batter barely covered the bottom.
I realized something important as I freaked out over whether this was going to be another flop- I was short on time this weekend with test preparations and baby celebrating, so I had one shot to get this right and bring it to my aunt's.  I am a kitchen panicker.  I'm sure it's not a viable psyche disorder- that's not what I'm intending, but I think that I really get in my own way.  I get so worried that I'm missing something that I get in my own way and wind up blowing it.

I told myself to calm the f down and modified the recipe slightly.  It seemed to want too much apple.  I made two cakes, which called for two apples a piece, but the apples were pretty big.  I used a total of three- big mistake.  The other issue was that the topping looked a little dry during baking.  The cake puffed up and filled out a bit, but it just wasn't as tall or impressive as I would've liked.  What it lacked in beauty, it made up for in scent.  I recalled the apple crisp my mother made when I was younger, but this blew that out of the water: baking cake plus baking apples plus brown sugar= me finding things to do in the kitchen just to keep smelling it.  I would love to bottle it and sell it.

I served it at my aunt's and reviews were positive.  The topping was a bit dry and the apple to topping ratio was definitely off.  It was tasty, but I don't know that I'd use this recipe again.  Next time, more apple, less crumble and trusting the cake to do what it's supposed to as long as I've done what I was supposed to.  Still, a success.

Next weekend we should have more to celebrate: family members turning 40 left and right, my exam will be over with, pass or fail and I'm definitely not done celebrating our new addition.   So, we'll be decking out the house for fall and filling the kitchen with scents of Apple Cake with apricot glaze (mmmmm).

Be well!