from scratch--a rant

This one is a rambler, just warning.

Palacio de Cristal, Parque del Buen Retiro, Madrid

It's been a killer week.  I'm not writing to complain- I'm just pasting in some thoughts.  I have an overt tendency to overanalyze and dissect the crap out of everything and it's not helping now that I'm being thrown into unfamiliar situations.  I have conferences in Europe next month- I'm not presenting, but I'm meeting the researchers who I've been reading.  I've had introductions and have had to email two other contacts and my schedule is filling up with advisor meetings on portfolios and proposal drafts.  I'm terrified of not being able to do it, of saying the wrong thing and just messing it all up.  I'm so afraid that I will have spent four years getting to this point and then wind up ABD or worse yet, not getting my study approved or passing my oral.  I know why people go nuts when they get a doctorate--whether they pass or fail, the stress sort of eats you alive.

window over the grave of El Cid Campeador, Burgos, Spain

Seems and I took a good tack when we were finishing up our big exam this summer- we decided that the worst that could happen was we'd fail and we'd have to redo some of it.  The world wouldn't implode, we'd still be breathing, our families would still love us... I see this, but at the same time, it's so much work and I really really want to be done.  I know I repeated my father a few weeks ago saying, "no matter where you are, there you are", but the benefits of being here don't come without pitfalls and snow is right around the corner.  To paraphrase the Beatles, tomorrow may rain, I'll follow the sun.

view of campo, Medinaceli, Spain

I'm looking for greener pastures.  I feel like I need a reboot, to start from scratch, to find or develop some novelty in my life.  I feel stuck in a place and it's a place that I really don't like.  I need to learn from it, let it go and move on.  It, as well as this whole cake project make me think of when I was a little butterball, going home for the first day of summer vacation.  I had all of these illusions that I was going to swim and play all summer and magically come back to school thin and popular.  In reality, I watched tv, fought with my siblings and rarely saw the light of day.  I imagined a fresh start in autumn.  I was fixated on an imagined end point, but I'd never  followed along the path to get me there.

Tio Pepe sign, Puerta del Sol, Madrid

I've had the kids looking up the origins of idiomatic expressions this week-ie, "Pardon my French," and started thinking about the phrases "Start from Scratch" or "Made from Scratch" and wondered where they came from.  "Start from scratch" was initially used in sports- a line would be drawn in the ground and everyone would start from that mark- no handicap.  "Made from Scratch" is a derivate of this phrase- it means to make something without the benefit of help (ie cake mix).

View of Port, Val Paraiso, Chile

So, maybe that's what I need to focus on.  Removing the crutches: the complaining, fried foods, sugar and delving headlong into anything that isn't school work when I feel overwhelmed.  This reflective behavior has me recounting Gross Point Blank.  It's one of my favorite movies, filled with killer 80s music and in it Minnie Driver plays John Cusack's jilted and cynical ex-girlfriend who has two amazing lines amid a series of quips:

Driver: Everybody's coming back to take stock of their lives.  You know what I say?  Leave your livestock alone.

This runs counter to all of the Deweyan teaching gurus I've had to read over the years.  They have emphasized the need to be reflective- to see what works and what doesn't in the classroom and in life.  To really be present to things- what they are, what they do and how they are part of the experience we create.  At the same time, Pema Chodron has written on being present and open to the things that scare and irritate us.  Not letting the horrible things cripple us, but gently providing them refuge and being patient with ourselves as we learn from them.  She says that it's these things that scare us and make us feel horrible that we have to learn from--or they won't go away.  Judging from how irritated and angry I am, I must have a lot to learn.

The other quote that I've been thinking about is:

Cusack: I'm sorry I #*%$ up your life

Driver: It's not over yet

Bridge over the Tiber, Rome

 Nothing has worked on my time table.  Nothing is exactly the way I imagined it.  I just need to stop whining, get over it and do what I need to to get things done.

On a happier note: I love the 80s- John Cusack films are pretty much the best thing ever.  I'm thinking about an 80s party for my 30th.  I even have the perfect outfit picked out from Cusack's 80s break up classic Better Off Dead.  There's plenty of time to muse still, but luckily, Eme Ficus already has the shades for it.

Her future's so bright, she needs to wear sunglasses.